The Shadow Maker.

Depression. A parasite that eats at your very soul, and slowly devours the being you once were, till you are but a mere shadow, a semblance, of your real self. It eats at your core, leaving you in a state of trance. Your hopes, your goals, your dreams, slowly cease to matter, till the little facets that made you the individual you are blend in together, and are sucked into a black hole; a void of numbness.

You don’t feel passion, anger, drive, motivation. You simply cease to feel. Every day is a fight, a fight to retain your individuality and the person you are, a fight to show the world that you are doing okay, that you are getting by; when in truth, your will to go on, to survive, to continue this bleak existence in what seems a dreary world wavers.

People think they know you. They see you smiling at them, they think you are alright, but what they fail to see is the pain and suffering behind that strained smile. No one sees the tears you shed, not because you feel dejected or forlorn, but simply in hope that you could feel something again. No one sees that behind the person who tries so hard to succeed, is someone who feels like a failure. No one knows that the individual they think has so much potential, does not see this potential in herself. 

So you think to yourself; 'why have an existence, and not a life? why not find a way to feel again?' The point of exhaustion is almost upon you; you are tired of this constant battle within yourself. And then, it starts small; a simple cut or two, where, along with the bleeding,  a bit of the frustration and the pain flows free, after what seems an eternity. The feeling is -yes, I say feeling- exhilarates you, excites you, makes you feel more alive than you've felt in a long time. What started as an experiment becomes habit.

And then, one day, you realize; every time another scar blemishes your skin, every time you lose another drop of blood in your seemingly unhinged attempt to feel emotion, it isn't enough. The rush, the thrill, the excitement, just isn't there anymore. So you wonder, 'why go on, if this is how the rest of my days are to be?' You start wondering what life after death must be like, if the heavens really are paved with gold. 

But, unanticipated, a small element of your inner being, pushes forward, and takes a stand. It urges you to look beyond and to do the one thing you had lost all hope of doing: fight. To fight for the person you are; to fight being sucked into a pit of in sensation; to fight the Shadow Maker.